This season has been full of chasing my 16 month old son, Caleb, all around our neighborhood and taking photos of some incredible families in Orlando. This sweet little girl was born just a few days before Caleb, and I loved spending the afternoon with her at Kraft Azalea Gardens. Here are some of the photos from our time together.
I met Catherine in a crowded venue. There were many people around and I sat next to Catherine. We started talking, and I immediately felt a sense of peace about her. With many conversations happening around us I noticed how grounded and fully present she seemed, and to be honest, it was refreshing to meet someone like her. It wasn’t until weeks later I stumbled across her blog and was drawn in by her story. I asked Catherine to share a piece of her incredible journey because this is a story that needs to be shared. It’s a story of patience, heartache, God’s goodness, and redemption. I hope you’re encouraged by her words below.
I remember the day that I was at my lowest, the day I started to question everything. The song, “He’s Never Gonna Let Me Down,” was being performed at my church’s VBS. The kids all sang the words, “He’s never gonna let me down, oh He’s never gonna let me down….” And all I could think was “God, you have let me down.”
I started my period that morning and like every other time… it sucked. I was sad and I was confused. Seven out of the eight IUIs my husband and I planned to commit to did not work. The reality of one more time, maybe one more LAST time was in the horizon.
My journey of infertility was close to three years and I had become more tested than ever as we approached a crossroads. Until this point, I had always been hopeful. I always believed God would provide but I just didn’t know when or how.
And now, through all the emotions of the timeline I had given myself, hope was nowhere to be found.
For the first time during the journey, I felt hopeless.
I had no idea what the future held for me, and that may have been the hardest reality to understand. I started to think, it’s time that I start praying for the desire to be out of my heart.
Looking back at it now, it seems silly to think that I would even challenge God’s faithfulness, but I did.
I cried, I spoke with anger to my husband and close family. But, because of their faithfulness, they would not let me get angry with God. With the tears in our eyes, close family and friends urged me to pray, to believe, and to find comfort in knowing that my God would not let me down.
Over the next four weeks, I went through the motions of what another IUI entailed. The medication, the shots, the appointments, I did it all… one last time. Eight was the magic number, the number Seth and I prayed over and agreed to. The amount of IUIs that we felt we could handle and what we were comfortable investing our resources, time, and emotion into.
It was the day after the procedure of the eighth IUI when I felt peace. I had peace in knowing I did everything I felt I could do at this time in my life. I didn’t feel like I needed hope because I was at peace with whatever the outcome would be. I had faith in the life that God has given me is a part of his perfect plan and I was happy no matter what. And I said the words, “at this point, it will take an act of God for me to have children.”
Three days later, surrounded with close family, there was an unbelievable act of God.
Sturgeon William de Armas was born on July 13, 2018 and in my arms just five days later. His homecoming is nothing short of God’s provision in my life and in Sturgeon’s life. I would love for you to read the details of this miracle in my blog post, Best Vacation Ever.
Today, I share with you my story of hope, and then hopelessness. I share my story of peace during the emotional warfare. And although I sometimes feel like I am living in a dream, that this isn’t real and that maybe Sturgeon isn’t mine, I look into my baby boy’s eyes and I am reminded that God is so good.
I share my story with you because I know it isn’t easy to have hope. I know there are times we question God’s faithfulness. And I know it is easy to say, “God, why haven’t you given me the desires of my heart?”
I share my story because I want to remind you of how GREAT our God is. I want to remind you that there is NOTHING he cannot do. It can be hard to imagine his provision when all you can do is question his goodness and long for hope. But friend, God is always with you and He will never let you go. The truth is, your desires are His desires. He wants your happiness and He longs for greatness for you. If you are hurting, He is hurting with you.
As you pray for the desires of your heart, know that He is listening and when prayers are answered, there is no greater feeling.
About Catherine:
I married Seth de Armas December 13, 2014 after we met online through eHarmony. It was love at first sight! We always wanted a big family so we didn’t prevent from the get-go. It was about 9 months into our marriage that we discovered there were issues conceiving. I love my job, my dog, getting coffee with my girlfriends, and playing with my nieces and nephews. I believe that God gave me this story to encourage other women who are struggling with infertility and perhaps longing to find hope in the journey. Before starting my blog, I had the hardest time sharing my story with others, I cried just talking about prayer requests during our small group. But God gave me the words to write and through Him, I can share his faithfulness to many people. My story can be found on my blog: WaitingonmyBaby.com
*Photos taken by the lovely Emily Knuth Photography.
Allow me to introduce you to my friend, Natalie. We met on the beach, and moments into meeting her I knew I wanted to get to know her better. We haven’t known each other for very long, but every time I’m around her I’m inspired by her sweet spirit and rock-solid faith in the Lord. She places her hope in Jesus and it’s evident in the way she lives her life. I’ve asked her to share a small piece of God’s incredible provision for her family -specifically in regards to her daughter. This is Natalie’s story:
The first time I held my daughter was much like the first time anyone holds their child. She cried, I wept tears of joy and love and wonder, someone handed me a bottle, and she fell asleep in my arms. My heart expanded with love; my husband and I could hardly believe how precious this little life in our hands could be. How had we ever lived without her before? It was love at first sight.
The first time I held my daughter she was 14 months old.
My husband and I had woken up at three o’clock that morning to drive from Orlando to Miami. Then we flew to Haiti where we drove up mountain beyond mountain to the orphanage where she lived. We would be there for 15 days to bond with our daughter, see the beauty of her birth country, and attend interviews and appointments required for our adoption process. As each day passed, we fell more in love. Even at such a young age, she had this amazing sense of humor, a twinkle in her eye, and a personality to match. We cheered her accomplishments, worried over her health, held her tight, sang songs over her as she fell asleep, and prayed desperately.
At the end of those 15 days, we had to go home, and we couldn’t bring her with us until the adoption was finalized. We were told this would take at least a year. The only thing that got me on the airplane was knowing I was required to have my visa stamped so I could show proof to the adoption courts that I was in Haiti for the required time. I had to leave my daughter so that I could someday bring her home.
‘I had to leave my daughter
so that I could someday bring her home.’
I don’t know that there are adequate words to describe the grief of leaving your child. In the weeks after we came home, I felt an almost irrepressible urge to run out into the street and bang on every door, begging, “Have you seen my child? She isn’t home! I need to find my daughter!” But I knew right where she was. The year that passed as we waited for the legal process to be finalized was the hardest year of my life. And it was nearly impossible to explain such grief to others.
But it was worth it. She is worth it. Wonder of wonders, our daughter is home, and our family is infinitely better because she is in it. There is more laughter and dancing and snuggling. More swimming and pretending, more puzzles and books. There is more cherishing. More treasuring. More love. With every day that passes, the adoption process becomes dimmer in the rearview mirror, and we bask in the warmth of the gift that is more precious than we could have dreamed: our family.
Whenever I share about our adoption, I feel a little hesitant. First because our daughter’s story is her story; I can only tell mine. Second, every child, adoption, and family have unique experiences. I have a wonderful friend who has really struggled to bond with her child, and another friend whose child has really struggled to bond with his adoptive family. I don’t want to ever give the impression that adoption is easy, that it will always feel good, that it will work out how you planned.
But as my husband gently reminds me, I shouldn’t hold back from sharing the joy of our story either. In allowing us to be our daughter’s family, God has truly done more than we could ask or imagine; to him be the glory!
So, what would I tell a family considering adoption?
Make a Lifelong Commitment to Family Preservation
In an ideal world, adoption would never be necessary. Tragically, that isn’t our current reality, but even so, adoption should be the last resort for a child. You can support a trusted organization (with your volunteer time, financial support, etc.) by coming alongside loving families who are struggling to stay together. Seek out local organizations such as Family Promise (http://familypromiseorlando.org/) or international organizations such Compassion International, which is doing amazing things through its Child Survival program (https://www.compassion.com/help-babies-mothers-in-poverty.htm). Not only will you be a blessing to families in need, sharing in the joy of the victories of families you are serving - but you will also gain a necessary, deeper understanding and compassion for at-risk families.
Consider Your Motivation
Adoption is absolutely life-changing, especially for the child. So, take the time to thoughtfully consider your motivation. Many people resonate with the call to care for children in need, but don’t feel ready to adopt. That’s okay! There are endless ways to participate in orphan-care: You can support foster families in your area with meals, diapers, or babysitting. Sponsor a child internationally. Volunteer with a local organization such as Orlando Children’s Church or Ronald McDonald House. If you feel a deep desire to care for children by bringing them into your family, prayer and fasting are wonderful ways to submit your decisions before the Lord before taking action.
Do Your Research
If you have made the decision to adopt, congratulations!!! As our dear friends once told us, the hard part is over, the rest is just details. But those details are kind of important, so make sure you are paying careful attention. :) I cannot overstate the importance of doing everything you can to make sure that your adoption is ethical. The best way to do that is to do your research. Work only with accredited organizations that have a proven history of ethical practices, putting children and families first. Interview adoption agencies/attorneys. If at any point you feel pressured, or hear the words “fast” or “easy,” that conversation is over; red flags have been raised. If you are adopting internationally, research the systems and organizations involved on the other country’s side. Get connected with friends of friends and ask them about their experiences. Pray for peace and wisdom.
Celebrate and Self-Care
As you journey through the process, the paperwork, home visits, and most agonizing of all- the wait- can drive any mama-to-be crazy. Find ways to celebrate milestones. The night of our first home study visit, we went out to dinner. The day we mailed our dossier to Haiti, we celebrated with cake. When we were finally matched with our daughter, I went to Target and did not hold back! In between those mountain tops can be lonely valleys. So don’t forget to take care of yourself in the meanwhile. Some people find they regret telling the whole world about their plans to adopt early on in the process because it adds salt to the wound when someone asks, “Any news?” and (for what feels like the thousandth time) you have to reply “No news.” On the other hand, I felt encouraged when my friends checked in. I even started a private group on social media to share updates and prayer requests with close friends. Whenever my friends and family checked in I knew they were thinking of us and praying for us; we weren’t alone. Other ideas during the wait: bond with other “waiting families” (I made lifelong friends through adoption groups; it is so encouraging to have friends who share the same experiences), go on a baby-moon, try a new hobby (I’m a big fan of painting), and…
Prepare Your Heart
Attachment/Bonding is a unique process for every family. As with any relationship, a strong reciprocal bond with your child is built over time, as trust grows and each family member learns how to love one another well. There are many resources and tools available to support adoptive families with attachment and bonding; find one that is right for you.
Every child who joins a family through adoption has experienced trauma and loss, so it’s imperative to become a trauma-informed parent. Empowered to Connect is the absolute best training resource as you prepare to welcome a child to your family through adoption: http://empoweredtoconnect.org/
If you are planning or open to adopting a child of another race or ethnicity, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to learn about culture and racism:
Whether you are just beginning to explore this topic, or looking to dive deeper, “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” is a highly recommended read.
Consider: Will your child be the only person of their ethnicity in your family’s world (among friends, in your neighborhood, at church, among students at school, restaurants you visit, playgrounds you frequent, etc.)? If you find that your family’s world does not reflect your child, lay down life as you know it and expand your world – even if it means moving to a new neighborhood! Listen, listen, listen to your friends of color. Honor their experiences, seek their advice, practice standing with them in times of adversity.
Challenge yourself: If you are part of a majority culture (i.e. white in the US), find places where you are the minority. Visit restaurants or salons where you will be the only white person, and take in the experience.
Learning can be really fun, too! I probably watched 100 hours of haircare videos in the final months leading to our daughter’s homecoming. Hair time is so special!
If you choose the path of international adoption, your child’s birth country will always be an important part of his/her identity. Find out more about your child’s birth country, look for traditions to celebrate, recipes to try, music and art to bring into your home.
You don’t have to be perfect to become an adoptive parent. You just have to be ready to acknowledge that your child’s story began before she entered yours. Taking on a posture of learning and listening will go a long way in preparing your heart to love your child well.
Remember - The Process is Hard, But it’s Wonderful Too
As with parenting in general, the adoption process will take you through unexpected challenges, test your patience, and surprise you with beauty. When you face moments of fear and doubt, go back to the last time you heard God’s voice and felt His peace. That is the best advice we received in the course of our 4 year adoption process, given like a gift in our moment of absolute crisis by an adoptive mama who had “been there” and was willing to share her own story. We clung to her words the rest of the way. Practice prayer and fasting. From the very beginning. Wait for His voice and His peace. And then even when there is fear in the dark, you can hold fast in confidence because you know you are following His lead. And then one day, the sun will come up, brighter than it ever has before. The process is hard, but it is wonderful too.
This summer, I snuggled my baby girl (who isn’t such a baby anymore), and a thought shook me to my core: I could have missed this. It would have been easy to go on with life as I knew it. The adoption process can be expensive (when we started we had no idea how we would be able to afford it – you probably won’t be surprised to hear me say that God provided every single step of the way). The process seems complicated, and there are just so many unknowns. I could have missed this. So, even though sometimes I hesitate, I have to share my story. Because I can’t let you miss yours.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! – Ephesians 3:20-21
Natalie is a wife, mother of three, and a dog-mom to Ember. She’s involved in her local church and has a heart for women’s ministry, painting, and the beach. Natalie is an incredible artist and you can follow her on instagram @nataliebrooksstudio. Also, between you and me, she makes a pretty epic gluten-free banana bread.
@nataliebrooksstudio
About thirteen months ago my entire life changed.
For sake of not sounding dramatic, let me clarify: my entire life’s priorities changed. My sleep changed. My body, heart, mind, and perspective changed. My faith grew- along with my doubts at times. About thirteen months ago I had a baby.
Moments after meeting Caleb James Keilman.
Although Brandon and I weren’t quite confident in the timing of it all in the beginning, the good Lord knew what he was doing because I’m convinced Caleb coming into our lives came at the perfect time for our family. In this particular season I was among many friends at work and at church who were also walking through the process of having their babies and I found myself surrounded by a village of support along the way.
I’m positive there were moments early on where I texted approximately 15 different women daily, asking questions about bottles, breastfeeding, and ‘how do I get my baby to sleep through the night?!” Honestly I tried to rotate my questions so I wouldn’t annoy the same poor women every day. Ladies- you know who you are. Thank you to the new moms for learning along with me, and to the veteran momma’s who gave me confidence and compassion with every text I sent.
Somewhere between the sleepless nights and baby snuggles my heart grew for every mom out there. I prayed often for single moms. I thought a lot about my mom and how much courage it must have taken to raise 4 children in a day without the internet. I thought about women who have lost babies, who have struggled with infertility and now have their own sweet little ones, and women who have grown children - and how much wisdom they must have from all the years of life in the trenches.
Sometime around last November, I even had the opportunity to begin taking photos of mothers with their children! A dream in itself I never knew I would see come to life. This journey in photography has blessed me greatly. It’s introduced a joy in my life for which I am very grateful.
Then, a few months out from [most of] the sleepless nights, my heart grew for all women. Single women. Young women. Grandmothers. And adult women who have a mother’s heart but haven’t had the opportunity of having their own children.
I wanted to find a way to connect my passion for mothers, photography, and women in general. How could I create a support system for women- some mothers and some not yet- like I was blessed to have in my time of need?
Over the past several months I’ve reached out to a several incredible women. Women I admire and am encouraged by often. My plan is to share their stories of adoption, infertility, loss, and hope to speak to anyone who may be in a place where these words can bring life in the season they find themselves in.
Some of my best days on earth have happened this past year. Joy that overwhelms the soul and brings tears to my eyes has filled these last 13 months, but running parallel with that joy has been moments of fear, doubt, and just flat out tough moments where I feel as if I’m not enough. I hope to be able to meet you in whatever season you find yourself in with this project. Even if one woman is encouraged by these stories shared in vulnerability and love, I will consider that a victory.
What’s to come is a bit of my soul for you, in writing, through others. The first post will be live in the beginning of October. Thank you for joining me on this journey.
One of my favorite things with my photography is getting to document the different stages of the families I meet. I first met this couple at their pregnancy announcement session and it’s been such a joy to see them again and meet their newest addition! This morning was beautiful in many ways.
